just a day in the life of a Mom...
I have decided to claim my official life status as "rough around the edges..." I have been through so much in my life that defines me for better or for worse. I can't deny that nor would I want to.
I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father. When I was in college, he died of that disease by committing suicide. He died on a Thursday afternoon. I had just arrived at work after classes at the University of Minnesota when I got the call that there was an emergency and I needed to get home. By the time I returned to classes on the following Tuesday, I hadn't even missed a class and yet my father had died, was buried and life went on..I remember walking through the crowds at the U thinking that everything had changed in my life and no one knew it..I commuted about an hour each way to school. There was something about getting in the car and driving that caused the tears to flow. I would sob each day on the way to school for over a year..I remember having to pull over at times because I couldn't see a thing through my fogged up glasses. I was devastated and felt lost. His death was a culmination of a childhood that was filled with fear and hopelessness. But, all through out my childhood, I could feel a strong pull to find something more in life...I knew there had to be something worth living for.
I had searched for a Church home after I had committed my life to seeking the truth. My faith in Jesus Christ brought me to Elim Baptist Church just shortly before my father had died. I knew only a few people at the Church but I received more than 50 cards of condolences when my father passed away. That made all the difference in the world to me. I needed to know that some one cared. My faith grew in ways that helped me to expand what I thought were the limits of God's love. I had learned to limit what I believed to be possible because I did not want to be disappointed again. I thought God was big but not that big. I thought he loved me, but I couldn't yet trust that He could love me unconditionally and without limits. It was an amazing time for me to see God work in my life and to watch Him test the "limits" I had placed on His love and His power in my life. It was very evident to me that God didn't want me to see him through my experiences with my earthly father and that He wanted to show me that He loved me and cared for me beyond what I could ever imagine.
There have been many other struggles in my life that God has used to teach me valuable lessons...Just after my father died, I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. McKenna was born with a significant disability. I lost my mother while Tyler (our oldest child) was only in kindergarten. Losing our Son, Evan, brought us to a new level of clinging to our faith as we were reminded again that God will sustain us through anything. He has taken the tragedies as well as the joys and made something truly beautiful out of them. I feel like God was truly preparing me for dealing with children who have also dealt with difficulties in their life...abandonment, loss of parents, dealing with a disability or a diagnosis. I really feel that God was preparing me for such a time as this...
My life is not "polished." It is a mess most days. And yet, out of the rubble there is such beauty and joy. When I meet others, I see people that are so put together. Perhaps some have not experienced the kinds of things that I have, and just maybe they are really that "together." But, I suspect that there are alot of people walking around who have put alot of energy into the appearance of having it all together. That will never be me. I am rough around the edges. I think that tells my story....it isn't about how good we are, who are parents are, or what we have been through...it is about God and what He can do for us.
It is about keeping it real...that is the honesty that God wants us to display in our lives and in our Churches..coming from the "outside" and being welcomed into the Church, it was those who weren't afraid to show who they really were that made me confident that Jesus woud accept me as I was. Now that I have been in the Church awhile, I can talk the talk and walk the walk on the outside with the best of them. Today, I want to be reminded that it is when we are genuine and real, that we extend a welcoming hand to those who feel like they don't have it all together...
Yep, I am rough around the edges....
