I think I am going to blame it on the weather but I am feeling myself sink into the grief of 'what could have been" in the lives of many of my children. The damage of medical neglect, abuse, drug use and alcohol use that will forever change their lives is so hard to deal with at times.
Today we went bowling with the two little guys. The bowling alley was empty. We had a seperate room and the lighting was good--factors we have learned to optimize for an outing like this. It was such a fun time...in the beginning. Both boys loved it but as we made it through half a game, I could just watch this outing fall apart. Elijah started to obsess over watching the balls come out of the ball return. If things didn't go just had he needed it to go, he would through his body on the hard floor and scream. He wanted so much to have fun, but he could not let go of his autistic tendencies to have things in order. He was overstimulated and stressed. And then there was Kaden, upset because he needed things to be the same as the last time he went bowling. He had so much fun until he could not let go of the thought that last time he ate pizza while he bowled. He could no longer focus on bowling, which he loves, because his mind could not let go of what "should" have been.
These boys are so beautiful and so fun to be with. A few years back, I would have been really upset at the outcome of the event. Now, I am better at dealing with the disappointment of what happened..we bounced back quickly these days. But, I still feel sad at what the drug exposure and medical neglect have done and am reminded of what could have been in the lives of these little guys. The stages of grief in "chronic sorrow" do not go away after we have gone through them and dealt with them. At different times in life, I find myself going through the stages again. When I find myself revisiting the grief over the loss of dreams at times...I am comforted that I am able to get through them much faster than before. But, the sting is still there. There are days when I would give just about anything to hear my sweet Elijah tell me freely what he is thinking about. And because he can not, I feel so sad...
Yet, I know, with certainty, that this feeling shall pass...I have just temporarily turned my eyes away from the purpose that has been set before me. When we come to the understanding that joy and sorrow can exist alongside each other, we can find that place of peace within us to put the rough days into perspective and even appreciate them. For if it was not for those days of grieving, the great days would not shine so brightly.