It was 3 years ago today that our little Evan passed away in Mark's arms. There are some days where the pain is so fresh and real. There are days when I find myself in the stages of grief--denial, guilt, bargaining, acceptance...and then there are days when I fear that I will forget his beautiful smile, his tender, beautiful eyes, or his goofy teeth.
We have 10 children...I can't say that we have 9. I just can't deny his existence in our lives every day. His memory is always with us..and I consider it an honor to be able to carry his memory with me every day.
Watching the kids grieve over the years has been a learning experience for me. Not only do we have to keep in mind the developmental stage they were at at the time of his death, but we must keep in mind the changes in their thinking processes as they get older. Kaden, for example, was only 2 years old when his brother died. His memories are linked to the photos and video we have of Evan...and yet he feels very close to him. He worries about Maisy "passing away." His developmental stage now has changed the way he is processing things. He worries more than a child who has not experienced the death of someone close. Each of the children have been enriched to have had Evan in their lives...both in life and in death.
So today, as we visited our sweet son's grave, as we grieved what "could have been" if he were still with us--as we imagined what he would look like today as a 4 year old little boy, we give him back to our Lord--as we did every day while he was with us.
Some things have changed so much since his death and some things are very much the same...we still find ourselves relinquishing our son to his heavenly Father...and we are rejoicing knowing that Evan is living in the light of our Lord Jesus Christ. Having lived through the unimaginable...losing a child...we having been given a gift of knowing that the Anchor truely does hold...that God is faithful as he gives us all that we need. His mercies are new every morning that he gives us and we will rejoice in all things...
Somehow heaven seems even sweeter knowing that we will be reunited with Evan Tyler again...and for today, we will allow ourselves to grieve...
We have 10 children...I can't say that we have 9. I just can't deny his existence in our lives every day. His memory is always with us..and I consider it an honor to be able to carry his memory with me every day.
Watching the kids grieve over the years has been a learning experience for me. Not only do we have to keep in mind the developmental stage they were at at the time of his death, but we must keep in mind the changes in their thinking processes as they get older. Kaden, for example, was only 2 years old when his brother died. His memories are linked to the photos and video we have of Evan...and yet he feels very close to him. He worries about Maisy "passing away." His developmental stage now has changed the way he is processing things. He worries more than a child who has not experienced the death of someone close. Each of the children have been enriched to have had Evan in their lives...both in life and in death.
So today, as we visited our sweet son's grave, as we grieved what "could have been" if he were still with us--as we imagined what he would look like today as a 4 year old little boy, we give him back to our Lord--as we did every day while he was with us.
Some things have changed so much since his death and some things are very much the same...we still find ourselves relinquishing our son to his heavenly Father...and we are rejoicing knowing that Evan is living in the light of our Lord Jesus Christ. Having lived through the unimaginable...losing a child...we having been given a gift of knowing that the Anchor truely does hold...that God is faithful as he gives us all that we need. His mercies are new every morning that he gives us and we will rejoice in all things...
Somehow heaven seems even sweeter knowing that we will be reunited with Evan Tyler again...and for today, we will allow ourselves to grieve...
