I shouldn't be grieving, but I am...I should be celebrating a beautiful, precious life that has been added to our family. And I am. But, when I kiss my sweet son, I can envision him at 8 or 10 or 17 years old, looking up at me and smiling in much the same way as he does today. Isaac is a newborn in a 13 month old body. As his physical therapist described his movements the other day, he is a bundle of reflexes...and yet he has a smile that would warm anyone's heart.
I have hope for him...I believe that he will reach his full potential. But, I am grieving the reality that his full potential may not bring him much farther than he is today. This is no surprise. We knew Isaac's condition, Cystic Encephalomalacia, was a devastating diagnosis. We knew what we were taking on when we adopted Isaac and yet that does not take away the grief.
I want to enjoy the beauty of this little baby and not allow my grieving heart to rob me of that joy. But, I can't deny what I am feeling. I wish I could give Isaac back what he lost when the infection attacked his brain when he was two weeks old. I wish all the love that we have to pour into him would help him to make progress developmentally beyond what the doctors could have ever predicted. I wish I could make this "all better." But I can't. And that is why I grieve.
If it is God's will, He will heal Isaac's brain. I know He has the power to make things "all better." But, just because Isaac is not just like everyone else...just because Isaac may never walk, or talk or sit up...just because Isaac will endure things that we, who have so much, would consider unbearable...Isaac is not "defective".
Isaac has the capacity to shine the light of Christ right through the coldest of hearts. Through Isaac, God reminds us what it means to be truly dependent on Him...and that it is when we stop trying to show God what we have to offer Him, that He can show us what it is He wants to do through us. I am thankful for my little Isaac...and I am thankful that it is God and not humanity that defines what it means to be of value and infinite worth.
