Friday, March 19, 2010
Having a two year old little girl in the house seems to bring out the "festive" in me. She happened to have green shamrock bows for her hair and that spurred on our festive St. Patrick's Day photo opportunities...complete with green rice krispie bars and green beef strogonoff (the noodles looked pretty but the sauce was NOT so pretty--but they ate it all!)
at 11:57 PM
Grief is an unpredictable thing. I didn't expect such a strong wave of intense sorrow that has come over me this morning. I am not sure if holding Isaac and addressing all of his medical concerns is what has brought on this emotion. It may be that I watch Kaden's worried face when he kisses Isaac and asks us if he is going to "pass away too." It might be the lullabies that we play for Isaac that were also played at our precious son's funeral. I don't know..but I do that this morning I am keenly aware of how much I just miss Baby Evan..I miss who he was...a joyful and beautiful little boy and I am missing who he may have been today. He would be turning 4 years old in June. What would he be talking about? Would it be dinosaurs? or diggers? or airplanes? Would he be as sweet as his brother Kaden, smart as his brother Elijah, confident as his sister Maisy?
Evan, I so wish we could have had more time with you...I wish you were here alongside us as we welcomed Isaac into our family. We miss you sweet Evan..
Grief is an unpredictable thing...A mother who has lost something as precious as a child is never the same...never free from the underlying reality of grief. But, we as grieving moms have learned one thing that is life changing in so many ways. We never have to question if we could handle the tragedies that come our way...we already have been through the unimaginable and we have made it. We have realized that on our own, we could not possibly have thrived after such a loss...we cling
to our faith in the God who gives and takes away...and the joys that we experience after the loss of our child will always be tinged with bittersweet emotion..but it makes the joys all the more rich and all the more tender. I am thankful to God for not wasting the life he gave Evan...His life has made an impact on so many who hold his memory dear.
We will always love you, sweet baby Evan.
at 9:50 AM