Some days, I look around this house and I see so much brokenness...
I see Broken stuff..
There is little in our home that does not reflect the fact that within these walls lives 12 people. There are broken windows, broken dishwashers, broken cupboards and broken chairs...just as fast as we are able to repair something, another thing gets broken. And it gets exhausting. And then there are the things that can not be replaced...the special mementos that remind of us of lost loved ones, or remind of special times together when we there was just two of us. The stuff has been broken, stolen or lost long ago except for one special thing that meant so much to us.
I had found a Bible at a used book store from World War 2. It had a heavy steel cover and was meant to fit into a uniform pocket..it was inscribed on the metal cover.."may this keep you safe from harm." I paid 10 cents for it. On the day Mark asked me to marry him, I had this Bible waiting to give him with a letter written in the Bible. Most everything else is gone from that time of our lives..even my wedding ring has been a casualty of our kids and their behaviors (that is another story!) On Saturday morning, everyone was sleeping in..It was 6:00 and we knew that Kaden had climbed over the gate in his room and we heard him moving around. Dreaming of the luxury of staying in bed until 6:30, we both had decided with no words exchanged, that we could lay in bed for just a few more minutes. Quickly, the quiet was shattered by Isaac waking up..and the day had begun...only to find that Kaden had taken that Bible which was high on a display shelf, and ripped the pages out and threw them in the toilet. I don't know why. He didn't know why. But we were crushed..yes, it is just "stuff." We had learned long ago to hold loosely to stuff. But this "stuff" had such emotion connected to it...such loss attached to it's demise. We felt so broken..
I see broken bodies...When we start out the morning routine, we are faced with broken bodies...ones that don't work the way they should. There are hearts that don't beat on their own, muscles that don't work the way they were meant to work, bones that can't support the bodies that they are a part of...
I see broken promises...I wake up to kids who had parents that said "I will take care of you"..but didn't. "I will come back for you"...but couldn't. The pain is in their eyes...They struggle to believe the words that we tell them now...we will love you forever...no matter what.
I see broken hearts...The broken hearts are fresh sometimes. The rejection felt by the loss of a friend, the loneliness when there doesn't seem to be a place to fit in in this world. Sometimes it is not just the kids, but it is our hearts that break as well. The hurtful words and the words that are not said, the feeling of failure as a parent, the broken spirit within us that struggles to hang on. A family full of broken hearts that are in all stages of healing...
I see broken minds...The damage from prenatal exposure to drugs and alcohol. The damage from infection or defect...Brains that struggle to process all of the information that is coming into their brains at once, bombarding them with way more than they can handle. Broken minds that do not work well enough to do the same things that the other kids do but work well enough to be aware of what they can't do...
I see broken dreams...Dreams that all parents hold for their children...and dreams that our children hold that may not be possible to accomplish. No amount of hard work and persistence can make a dream come true if the obstacles are just too insurmountable.
...
Broken only to be molded into something new...Broken is where we want to be..broken so that we can be molded again into something usable by God. Broken with a contrite heart....one that can humbly stand before God..ready to follow His leading in our life. Brokenness is where I want to be....open to the guiding of the Holy Spirit...brokenness is where God wants us to be......and may our brokenness help to heal others....Let our weakness serve to point to the Healer. He alone can take our broken bodies and our broken dreams and make something beautiful out of the shattered pieces...
Some days I just look around this house...and see so much beauty shining through brokennesss..and I am thankful.
...and beautiful.
