Thanks to all of our bureaucratic mess last week, this week will be spent on paperwork...and lots of it. We did receive 5 identical letters from the IRS on Saturday stating that our carryforward amounts were accepted. Now, what that means, we are not sure..but we are assuming that it's good news.
I didn't want this week to be spent on the mundane...catching up on laundry, filling out forms, doing dishes, fixing broken appliances. I wanted it to be a week filled with all kinds of fun things that we could do with the kids before our world changes dramatically on Tuesday of next week. And there will be time for that, but just as life is...it doesn't stop moving forward during a crisis.
And so we will focus on time together..not activities, not experiences, not the "big" stuff. I just want to watch the kids play together. Watch Elijah running and playing outside as if he little body was not sick. On the outside, he looks so healthy...a little skinny, but healthy. On the inside, it is such a different story. He is sick. He is dying. Without this transplant, barring a miracle, he would die. Reminding myself of this helps me to be assured that there is no other decision to be made for him right now...this transplant is the only course of treatment for him right now.
I just want to hold him close...I just want to soak in all that he brings to this world..his sense of wonder, his sweet affection, his precious smile. I want to take time to listen to each of the children as they are facing such uncertainty, such upheaval of their regular lives. I want to stay fully connected with their needs. There are so many. Needs, that is...and children too.
But, as I am writing notes to myself..prayer lists for each child. I came across a passage of scripture that I needed right at that moment.
6 “With what shall I come before the Lord,
and bow myself before God on high?
Shall I come before him with burnt offerings,
with calves a year old?
7 Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams,
with ten thousands of rivers of oil?
Shall I give my firstborn for my transgression,
the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?”
8 He has told you, O man, what is good;
and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
and to walk humbly with your God?
Does God require me to be strong? To handle this on my own? To be responsible for meeting the needs of all of those around me? Not at all..
This situation we are facing is humanly impossible for one set of parents to handle. One child very ill and 9 others in crisis because their brother is suffering. When I allow my mind to consider all of the logistics involved in getting Elijah through this bone marrow transplant, there is only one thing that is clear. It is impossible. It can't be done. Not without God.
And so I must look to him...I will cling to Him for each breath. He will see me through.. as I seek to walk humbly with Him.