God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know that it is me.
I have to admit that just when I think that nothing else will work in trying to change behaviors around our home, that God reminds me quickly that faith means trusting that He will answer our prayers. I also must admit that I have not read a book cover to cover in quite some time. With one exception, and that would be Wrestling with an Angel by Greg Lucas. I read that book in a parking lot as I waited and prayed for my friend as she was meeting with school staff regarding her son and his difficult behaviors exhibited there. I cried through every page of his inspiring and home-hitting story of life with a disabled son. This book dug deep into my own experiences, emotions, and faith journey in ways I didn't think another could express. I love this book and this family...
I must also admit that I was thrilled to sit on a plane earlier this month in hopes that I would be able to read a couple of books I had started to read many times before. My first priority was to read the book
The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis. I have heard her speak several times and knew that I had just scratched the surface of the message she has to convey. I was able to read about half of the book on the plane to Arizona, but God had a different plan for my return flight. I was seated next to a young couple who lived just five miles from us and who had just began the process of adoption. For nearly all of the flight, we talked about adoption. It was a precious time.
So, since I stepped off of that flight... I can't even tell you where I put the book. Could still be packed in my suitcase. But, I have changed one little thing as I look at my son, Jordan. I have started to look at him through eyes more filled with compassion and empathy than distrust and fear. Each time Jordan lied or took something, my mind went into fast forward mode. My fear of the future for my son took over. I allowed my mind to consider where he might be in 5 years if these behaviors continue. I started to obsess over the fact that he was 14 and we had little time left to "fix" these issues. I lost my focus. I got way off base.
My son went through unimaginable trauma for six years of his life. His behaviors, I am convinced, are mostly unconscious responses to the fear that takes over his body. When we ask him "why?" He doesn't have an answer because he truly doesn't know. I have changed the way I see him and I am seeing measurable results. He felt small, insignificant, and singled out in our family. Always the one getting into trouble, he felt defeated and weak. That made his fear escalate. It is time to heal. Without addressing his fear, we can not move beyond it. He has a heart for the gospel...he knows what it means to live by faith..he just can't apply it to his life until we work through some of these issues. And he needs us to love him through this so that we can build his ability to respond to ways in a healthy and God driven way.
So, forgive me, Jordan, for using the wrong lenses to see you. Forgive me for not cherishing your uniqueness and giftedness. You are an amazing young man who is filled with compassion and tenacity. I can not imagine life without you...you are a gift to our family.