We don't get much sleep around here, but I am blessed to be able to fall asleep at night quickly. And when I find myself crawling back in bed after giving medications, or attending to feeding pumps, my head hits the pillow and I am out again until 5:45 am comes around and the day begins...I don't often find myself getting up much before this time...okay, never, unless I have to be some where. But this morning was different. At 5 am, a piece of scripture woke me up. It kept coming to me...and let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts. There it was and it turns out, those words were just what I needed for this day.
When I was pregnant with McKenna and we had 10 weeks to wait after we were told that she was to born with a devastating birth "defect", I remember that I felt like some one had told me that I was going to be in a car crash. I wouldn't know when, where, or how bad the crash would be. I just wanted the crash to happen..because the waiting and knowing that something very difficult was going to happen seemed harder to bear than just dealing with the impact of the crash. The same feelings hit me hard today.
We are blessed to have time before Elijah's transplant. Having 5 months of time to prepare him, the other kids and ourselves is a luxury..most families facing a bone marrow transplant have found themselves thrust into this crisis with little or no warning. I am grateful for the time we have. But, I feel like I did during the last months of pregnancy with McKenna...only this time it feels like a train wreck.
I found myself reading the story of another families journey through the bmt process with their child...I could not read any longer. This family has two children and both of them have survived transplants. The children are doing well now. But, as I read of how sick the children became, of the struggles that the family faced, I had to remind myself to breath. I could not read any further. If I could only take the chemo for Elijah...if I could only deal with the nausea, vomiting and other side effects that he will most likely face. But to know that I will sit alongside my sweet boy as he suffers is really hard to read about ahead of time. Heart-wrenching emotion overwhelmed me as I allowed my mind to imagine the days ahead. So, there are moments when I feel like I am sitting alongside the tracks waiting for the trains to come barreling down the tracks...and who knows how devastating the crash may be.
And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts...
And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts..I repeated that verse over and over as I reminded myself that Elijah's fight is not for us to battle on our own. We will take it one day at a time..one moment at a time. We will let the peace of Christ rule in our hearts 4 months before the transplant...during the transplant and beyond. We can not do this. But God can. He will sustain us all..He has not asked us to face this without graciously providing us with all that we need to make it through.
And as I reminded myself of why God awoke me this morning early and directed me to this verse, the gift of God's provision, and compassion, and all-knowing nature for me became so evident. I was reminded that God goes before us....and my hearts cry and deepest fears are not unknown to Him...he knew the fear and panic that I was going to be flooded with today..and he threw a rope for me to grab onto. I felt His promises to me become so real...Hold tight my child..I am with you, always.