Monday, March 21, 2011
When I speak to providers at Minneapolis Children Hospitals and Clinics about adoption and how to approach adoptive families, I share with them that instead of saying something like that, which can often make a child or parent feel very uncomfortable, how much it would mean to hear someone say the words, "You must be so blessed to have this child.."
We are blessed to have each other that is for sure...but it is my kids who have taught me more about life than I have been able to teach them. They have allowed me to see life through their eyes..and I have learned more about courage, determination, priority, and the real source of joy through my kids. This past week, when we went away for a few days, I learned another lesson..I learned that it takes more courage to fall than it does to stand. We have made progress with our 14 year old over the past few months...finally, we feel like we have watched the walls around his heart and soul crack...those walls haven't crumbled and fell yet...but we believe that they will come down.
Jordan has never willingly allowed us to see his vulnerable side. We see it everyday, when he curls up in a ball at the foot of our bed so that he can feel safe when he sleeps. We see it everyday, when we see him worry about things that most kids take for granted..like the next meal or the next opportunity to prove he can be trusted again. But, for all the years that he has been with us, he has attempted to hide any part of himself that made him feel weak. If his stomach hurt, it wouldn't tell us. If he felt bullied, he would rage at home, but never, never share his struggles.
We went away last week. This was new for him. Before we had even boarded the plane, he was in a full blown asthma attack. He couldn't breath. He was scared. We often forget about his asthma because it only shows itself in times of extreme stress. It has been flaring up lately now that he is allowing himself to deal with his past hurts and struggles. The texts were flying back and forth. I really wish the teenagers around didn't have such quick access to us when we were gone, but in this case, the text messaging was a life line for Jordan. He recognized on his own that he was having flashbacks, that he was scared and worried because we were away.
He admitted weakness. He felt scared. But, he felt safe enough to share with us that he did not feel safe and he wasn't sure why. And by admitting weakness, he did not get swallowed up by all that he fears. His courage, for all these years, had shown itself in his courage to stand...but the real courage for him has been allowing himself to have the courage to fall...
I have so much to learn from my son...the courage to fall. It is not about all that I can handle. It is not about standing strong in the midst of adversity. It is about having the courage to fall into the arms of our Father..it is about letting go of the control that we so desperately seek when things seem to be spiraling downward. It is about admitting our weakness, our powerlessness of the situations in our lives...and finding our strength in the one who holds the past, the present and future.
It is about letting go and finding the courage to fall...thank you Jordan for teaching me this lesson.
at 2:29 PM