Coming to terms...

The potential bone marrow donor has placed himself on the "permanently unavailable" list. We will never know why he did that. If he had heard Elijah's story, if he had seen a photo of him, would  that have changed his mind? We will never know.

So, we start again. This time the transplant coordinator is looking at a 34 year old Caucasian female as the potential donor. It is hard not to see her as second best. She was not the first choice for donor. The 3rd and final match has some issues that could cause problems with her donation status. This donor appears to be the only chance we have for a live donor match. 

I try not to panic. But, even though I have attempted to stuff the anguish I have felt today, my body shows the stress. High blood sugars that don't respond to extra insulin injections remind me that I am not doing a very good job of stuffing the desperation I feel. 

I dyed my hair yesterday. I tried some light highlights last time I dyed it and I thought that my hair was just too light...thought it made me look old and tired. So, I bought a dark brown..close to my original hair color...thought a change may brighten things up..thought I would not look so old and tired. Now, I have brown hair but I still look old and tired...weary and weak. Because I am. 

Does God want to hear my cries for help? My lamenting heart? I am crying out to him as I begin to come to terms with Elijah's transplant. I am scared. I don't want to lose my little boy. I don't want him to suffer ...or be afraid...or to hurt. I don't want my other kids to worry...to hurt...to have to lose another beautiful, little brother. At times, I feel as if my grieving heart is wrong..but does God think so? I know that my son's future is in God's hands alone..He is the only one who knows who the "perfect" match for Elijah. He, alone, is the source of strength, of healing, of comfort. He wants me to come to Him with my cries for help.  

I cry out to Him because He is my Father...my Dad. I need Him more than ever. He is my comforter and source of strength. Heal my son, Oh Lord. Heal my son and heal the hearts of each of us who are suffering right now. My Father has a hand so strong, so gentle, so big...big enough to hold each one of us tightly within His grasp. I cry out to you, Lord. I need you. Only you. Please answer my prayer.