Today, I am walking through the house, our garden, through Target, through life.. as if it just goes on after losing a precious son on this day five years ago. Does any one know what happened to us on this days five years ago? Does anyone know that my son who walking along side of me is sick even though he looks so healthy? Five years ago today, we held our son as he said goodbye for now. We could barely breath. Strangers have no idea the burdens we carry...because life just goes on. How often have I been quick to judge when someone I didn't know appeared crabby or distracted? What burdens do they carry so near to the surface? I feel like everyone can see my hurting heart...and yet they have no idea.
Losing a child is like getting an engraving on the heart. You don't sign up for such pain. There is no numbing ahead of time, no anesthesia...the engraving is painful, crushing, unwanted. But then your heart begins to heal. It will never be the same. Because now, my heart has Evan Tyler Martindale written upon it.
To wish away the pain, would be to wish away this special life we had the privelege of sharing in. To wish away the pain, would be to deny that this little someone was so worth the pain. I want to celebrate his life...his unique and precious soul that permanently changed mine. Was he worth the suffering? In a heartbeat, I would have say yes again to bringing this little, fragile child into our home.
I want to tell the clerk at Target about him. I want to talk over and over about the short time we had together. I want to share my sweet Evan with the world because he spent such little time here. I look into his eyes as I go through his photo album. There is something special in his eyes...there is depth there that we felt from the first day we met him. What did he know? God was especially near to home through out his life on earth.
And now he is looking into the eyes of our Savior. He is whole and free and in the presence of God. Even though I want to keep his memory alive..I don't need to..because Evan is in heaven..that is a reality so beautiful I can only begin to feel it's majesty. Five years ago today, my son did not lose his life...he gained eternity. Heaven seems even all the more sweeter...