Come to think of it...I feel the same way. I have held back the tears through this whole process. In fact the first time I burst into tears during the past 46 days in the hospital was today...and it seemingly have nothing to do with Elijah. But it does. There is no seperating the emotional struggles that have faced us all during this process.
Instead, I cried about the paperwork that seems like such a mess right now. I cried about the services that I have to fight for to keep for our kids with special needs. I cried because I am tired of telling doctors how things are going every day even though there is nothing they can do about it. I am just tired...and feeling a bit lonely and trapped.
So, here is what I did. I bought a bird cage. It's a beautiful antique birdcage on a great old stand. A volunteer at the hospital stepped in to the room to see if I wanted a break for a half an hour. She must have laughed to herself to see how fast I said yes to that question. Elijah was sleeping and so I got in my car and just drove. I realized some things along my drive to nowhere. I really like the city. Maybe I will live there someday. I love the old homes that line Minnehaha Boulevard. And then I saw it. A birdcage in front of a junk shop. It caught my eye and I turned my little honda around and stopped at the shop. It was cheap and so symbolic. And so off I went with a bird cage in the back of my car..and it made me smile all the way back to the hospital.
I have been feeling like a caged bird today. And when the door swung open for just a short time, I felt like flying fast and far. Okay, so it was only down the block. But, it was just what I needed. God's mercies are truly new every morning...He heard the cry of my heart, and touched it with his healing hand. That cage will be left empty as it sits in the corner of our living room...with the door open. It will be a reminder to me of our journey and of the gift of freedom that Elijah is receiving from the confinement he has endured inside of a body that has been so sick. He will fly free one day..
I only wish my little Elijah could have flown out of our little cage today along with me. But, just as God has taken care of every detail of Elijah's journey, so to will he prepare Elijah for flight...straight out of this room. In His perfect timing.... P.S. A dear friend reminded of the freedom we have in Jesus Christ...whether we are trapped inside a hospital or inside a body that does not work. Having been given freedom in our faith, we have a beautiful song to share with the world...a songbird has a beautiful song to sing even if it is trapped inside a cage... I am free...by the grace of God...and He has given me a beautiful song to sing from inside this room. I am free...
