Before our teens had cell phones, I worried about how this was going to go in our home...particularly with those effected by FASD. We set up a contract for each of the children when we felt that they were ready to start having phone priveleges. The contract was simple and straightforward..they were not allowed to erase texts, they would need to give us the phone immediately if we wanted to spot check their activity and they needed to check the phone in at 9pm. Each child had different rules as they proved their ability or inability to handle the rules. Eventually, we discovered that our cell phone carrier could turn the phone off when we decided and then we didn't have to discuss it's use after a set time at night. We have had plenty of bumps in the road, but for the most part, things have gone pretty well. What has been the unexpected benefit of our teens having cell phones has been texting...
I have found that texting has been a tool that I have used to connect with our teens who have not been easy to talk with in person. Particularly for Jordan, I have learned so much about his heart, his hurts, his fears and his difficulty with language comprehension.
Texting has been a teaching tool for each of the kids, especially Jordan. I feel like I can be a remote external brain for him. I have used texting to help him know what to say in situations he has been in. Last evening, while Mark was speaking with Jordan's therapist, Jordan was busy texting me with his interpretation of what he heard Mark saying. His perception/comprehensionn of the conversation was all wrong. Because I had a chance to hear how crushed Jordan felt because of the misunderstanding, I was able to talk him through over the phone...and in the end, instead of shutting down, he was able to talk about the hurt he was feeling. I learned that so much of the issues we have had with him have come from fear that rules his being from deep within. Through texting, I have been able to deescalate his flight/fight response and calm his heart.
I have made a breakthrough with my approach to parenting my kids who have trauma backgrounds or FASD. Instead of trying to change them, I realized that it was me that needed to change. Early on, I focused on trying to train, teach and change the behaviors that I saw that scared me for their future. I worried about them getting pregnant, ending up in prison, or dropping out of school. The longer I have been on this road, the more I have realized that, while I can help them learn, I can guide them, advocate for their needs...there is something so much more important that they need from me. They need to know I love them no matter what. Jordan is 15...my time is short with him. He has a broken heart from early trauma and abuse. He often feels insignificant, dumb and unlovable...He needs to feel loved, accepted and a sense of belongingness before I don't have the chance to give him that.
And so I have focused on the short time I have with him...and I am committed to loving him with everything I have got..and the best way I can show him right now..the best way he accepts my love, is through texting...
..and so throughout the day, I send him messages...messages of love that he can't accept when we are together...messages that tell him how much I love him...how thankful I am that he is my son..how excited I am to see what God is going to do with his future. I pour love upon this child over and over...and he soaks it in like a sponge. He is healing little by little...
...and the blessing has been with each time I send him a message, I see him with empathy and compassion, my love for him grows and grows and I become a better Mom to him. Texting has been a tool that has allowed me to help my son receive love that he so desperately needs. I am able to love and accept him where he is at right now...God has blessed us in expected ways...
