I have been gone for such a long time from this blog. I have been at a loss of what to say. Keeping it real has always been what is important to me when I write. There are too many places on the internet where you can read all the good and none of the struggle…and that just isn’t me. I am a Christian…wholly and fully committed to Christ. And yet, I get so lost...so easily. There are so many questions that I don’t have answers to…so many times I choose to not tackle the big questions and just follow blindly…is that faith or is it foolishness…I don’t know.
What I had dreamed for my life is so not where it’s gone. I tried hard not to place my identity in how well my children were doing in life...but that, too, was not reality. I have not been able separate their wellbeing (or lack of) with my ability to be a good parent (or lack of.) I have never cared about success as defined by society…I just wanted them to love. I wanted them to show respect, compassion and kindness. I wanted them to love Jesus and see that following His example is the only way to live. And it is just not happening. I am so disheartened. I am fighting the feeling of being devastated. I am painfully sad.
I don’t need a pat on the back. I will get through this. But, will they? I don’t know. They have thrown so much away...they have compromised all the values that we thought we were teaching them. And the little ones coming behind them are watching the ways of the older kids…and frankly, I feel at a loss to stop what is happening to them. Dealing with life and death medical issues is a walk in the park compared to the struggles that have eternal consequences like the ones we are dealing with now.
So that is where I have been…a place I never wanted to be. My heart is aching. My God is strong. And that is all I have to hang onto right now.