I have been gone for such a long time from this blog. I have been at a loss of what to say. Keeping it real has always been what is important to me when I write. There are too many places on the internet where you can read all the good and none of the struggle…and that just isn’t me. I am a Christian…wholly and fully committed to Christ. And yet, I get so lost...so easily. There are so many questions that I don’t have answers to…so many times I choose to not tackle the big questions and just follow blindly…is that faith or is it foolishness…I don’t know.
What I had dreamed for my life is so not where it’s gone. I tried hard not to place my identity in how well my children were doing in life...but that, too, was not reality. I have not been able separate their wellbeing (or lack of) with my ability to be a good parent (or lack of.) I have never cared about success as defined by society…I just wanted them to love. I wanted them to show respect, compassion and kindness. I wanted them to love Jesus and see that following His example is the only way to live. And it is just not happening. I am so disheartened. I am fighting the feeling of being devastated. I am painfully sad.
I don’t need a pat on the back. I will get through this. But, will they? I don’t know. They have thrown so much away...they have compromised all the values that we thought we were teaching them. And the little ones coming behind them are watching the ways of the older kids…and frankly, I feel at a loss to stop what is happening to them. Dealing with life and death medical issues is a walk in the park compared to the struggles that have eternal consequences like the ones we are dealing with now.
So that is where I have been…a place I never wanted to be. My heart is aching. My God is strong. And that is all I have to hang onto right now.
Julie, just like everything else, your older children are under God's hand. Bad decisions now does not mean there won't be better decisions later. Our kids need extra time to mature.{{{Hugs}}}
ReplyDeleteI don't have words of comfort, or great advice, or anything like that. All I have to give you is a cyber hug from someone who has the same concerns for my adopted kids with FASD and a host of other letters from the foster system. These kids are entering their teenage years now, and I am not sure they'll turn out to be socially responsible Christians. But I know that I've done an adequate job of at least giving them a chance. I'd like to say my best job, but I doubt if any of us are capable of the best job 24/7 with the problems that these kids come with. And I also know that I have a big God that is bigger than those problems, that loves me and my kids more than I can imagine, and who is in control. I wish I can say that I'll be able to separate my identity as a child of God with my kids outcome. But I don't know at this point. Will I feel shame if my kids follow their birth family's footsteps and be in jail for murder, be involved with drugs and gangs, or work as a "dancer"? I don't know. I hope I'll be able to respond the way God would want me to respond. I'm praying that God will give you wisdom and comfort, and that He will lead and guide your kids also.
ReplyDeleteJulie, I'm sending a virtual hug, a virtual cup of your favorite beverage, and prayers. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteOur family went thru a devastating time several monts ago, born of foolish and self destructive choices our son made. Right now, things are better, yet at the same time, we know it can turn in a moment. I understand your pain, and I pray that, like us, you will see God's merciful hand making something good of the terrible. (((hug))).
ReplyDeleteJulie, Romans 8:38 has been the anthem in my heart this year. Especially, "...nor things present, nor things to come." I am praying for you!
ReplyDeleteI've read your blog for awhile now, yet never commented. Surely you have other readers like myself - People who follow you precisely because you live the hard, real life they are also called to walk. As a mother of 11, six adopted - all who deal with lying, stealing (food mostly, even after 13 yrs of being fed well and consistently), self-control - and the usual depravity (shared by their fallen adoptive parents)- I cry myself to sleep many nights. Sometimes it's fear, many times it's frustration, occasionally it's discontent with God's timing and unmet expectations. My goal over the years has changed some. Now it's mostly perseverance...with hope.
ReplyDeleteMy husband tells me frequently that our adopted children are better off than they ever would have been without us. In my mind, I know that's true. But my heart sometimes wonders if a stronger mother could be making more of a difference - and loving more unconditionally. They're great kids- Created in God's image, yet marred by circumstances allowed by their loving, all-wise God. I choose joy today. I hope you'll join me!
Julie, Sad to say I am right there with you. Sorry for your loss of what you dreamed for your life. This grief is enduring and the wound repeatedly opened...followed by friends and family who will not ever be able to 'get it.'
ReplyDeleteI thank God everyday for friends like you who do get it. We would love to see you at Ladies Night Out...in July it will be 6:30pm, 7/11/12 at Bostons in Coon Rapids.
...they have compromised all the values that we thought we were teaching them...
ReplyDeleteLiving that reality here in Colorado! It's a season of facing, yet again, one of my worst fears and deepest griefs. How much I long for the Lord to be glorified in my sons...how much I pray He is in time.
Yes, medical, life and death issues are at times lighter than the eternal struggles...how I have learned to pray prayers of faith now that I wasn't actually praying when my sons were small because I (subconsciously) figured our love and joy in Christ would be infectious...they would catch faith like a cold! How naive I was!
This is the journey of following in the footsteps of Christ. This is where our lives most meet the Fatherhood of God, for none of his children avoid rebellion and all have thrown away what He values. So we walk with Him, and rest that He is bigger than all of it and he hears our mother's hearts and mother's prayers. Hugs to you. Barb H
(((HUGS))) I am so sorry. I will pray. I'm so far behind on life that I have not checked in on you and your family. J had a toe infection for 5 moths and various other illnesses..... and I have not kept up with blog reading. I am so sorry that you are in such pain now. I will pray-- and I KNOW GOD will get you through it all. He calls each of us in our own time... and you have planted the seed... they will return. I know it! Love you bunches!
ReplyDeleteJulie, we've been on a long roadtrip to see family, so my blog reader became very sporatic. Now, reading this, I am so sorry I did not see it sooner. I am just one stranger reading your blog, and yet you are so precious to me, and my heart breaks for you in this post. I don't know what things are *really* like, raising kids who have such needs and struggles, and so your blog has been one of the places where I have gotten glimpses and fleeting insights. This is one of the reasons I hope you always keep writing as you do--because there are people like me who genuinely want to know, so we know how to pray and how to help. The other reason you need to share the struggle (besides catharsis!) is because God's grace and mercy and love and the power of hope and faith through the Holy Spirit SHINE out through you. When you can trust God and give Him praise even in dark, heavy times, your testimony is so much weightier than if you only shared the good stuff. NOt that you HAVE to share what hurts you, or that you have some responsibility to always be a good witness--I don't mean this in a pressure to perform sense, but just in a pure thankfulness for how God is using you sense. You don't have to meet some standard of blogging witness--you are already doing it.
ReplyDeleteI kept praying for the blog moms I read while I was on vacation, in general, but now I will be specifically praying for you and your kids. Oh, your precious, hurtful kids. Praying right now, in fact, tears flowing.
And maybe it would brighten your day to know that you (and Dorothy and Barb and Kari and others) have enlightened and taught me enough that now I can see a little better where I can be loving in practical ways to families like yours, with big dynamics and little complications that make even enjoying a worship service hard. God has led me to a family in my own church who is struggling with an adopted teen with FASD (she does not come to church, and the mama seems to want to keep her "messy" life shielded from the church, so no one knows what they are going through), but it is clear the mama's heart is breaking--but how many of the people at church would even have a clue about what she is living? Because of walking alongside you women for a few years here in the virtual world, I feel like I have the teeniest bit of understanding--just enough not to be freaked out and judgemental of what they are going through. I am just thrilled He has been starting to bring people like you into my life IRL! Put all this blog stalking to good use! : )
Gosh, this comment makes it sound like I am all about me, when I intend this to be loving encouragement. I wrote this because I want you to know you are changing lives, not only in your own home (because their lives ARE changed for the better because of you!!!) but also via the web. I bet I am not the only reader who God might raise up to be a support person for a family in need, because of your honest writing and beautiful faith.
much, much love
blessed