A few years ago, I wrote a post about the struggles and joys of adopting children who have mental health needs..."so you want to adopt through the foster care system?" I think it is time to write part two. Now, we have three teenagers with FASD. We have an 8 year old who is out of control. We have other vulnerable children who mimic the attitude, behaviors and the craziness of our life right now.
Two days ago, our 13 year old severed a large part of the tip of his fingertip off. The index finger on his right hand (his dominant hand) was severed when he was attempting to fix the chain on his bike while he was riding. The ambulance ride, the two hour surgery, and the sobering reality that fingertips can rarely be sewed back on with any functional success game me time to contemplate life. It is too bad that it takes a crisis to have a moment to think, but in homes like ours, that is often the case. Our son remained amazingly calm through the whole thing. It was quiet at the hospital and I spent most of the time alone before Mark came to the hospital with several kids. I could not have been thankful for my son and for his friends who handled the emergency so well. I could not have been more pleased with the quick and excellent medical care he received. And I could not have been more grateful that God has spared our kids from accidents such as this...only Aaron has had a broken bone and we have had only a few sets of stitches over the years.
But then the anesthesia wore off and my 13 year old came to. He deserved a present, he said..knowing that when any of the kids spend time in the hospital, they usually come home with something little that we had bought them...a balloon, a stuffed animal..a new book. He wanted a laptop. Not just any laptop, but one with a BEATS sound system. And not just a cheap one but one that is over $800. He has not let up for two days about it. He can't believe that we don't love him enough to buy him this. He can't believe we are so mean and so selfish. He is furious about it. We owe him after all...because he will never be able to anything again. And in the midst of his rants, I hear his grief...his finger will never have feeling in it...it will not look the same way it always did. He is having a hard time with all of that..and he hates to feel different than everyone else. And when I tell you he hasn't stopped begging for this, I mean that...he has not done anything else but fight over this laptop that we are not buying him.
And then there is our 15 year old who has even more severe mental health issues. His FAS and the brain damage that has occurred has impaired his ability to maintain healthy relationships. His issues are too big to even get into in this post, but to sum it up..... There is no reasoning with someone who has significant brain damage. There is no good ending...it is like the song that never ends...it just goes on and on and then....
...and then all the other kids get thrown off. And then I want to caution other parents who have decided, like us, to take on multiple kids with issues, to think about days like this. Think about the teen years. Think about how each of their issues will collide one day. I am a tough cookie...I can handle a lot. But today has been nearly too much. And not everyone could handle this kind of day...
The issues of today will blow over. I know that. I know that God will give me enough strength to make it even though right now..I am not feeling it. As I type, one of the boys is destroying the house and the other is standing outside my door saying mean things. One of the little ones is repeating rude things she has heard, another is crying and throwing a fit and the most of damaged of all is worrying. He is worrying about all the chaos and he is trying to fix things. It breaks my heart.
Today, I feel like I have made a mess of this family. Have we taken on too much? Have we hurt them more by thinking we could do this? My heart feels crushed.
Create in me a pure heart Oh, God...and create in me a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 51:10..Lord I need you now.
Julie, I have these thoughts and feelings some times and we only have four...from which I mean: had you put your fingers in your ears and refused to listen to God's call after your fourth, I'm guessing you'd still have these days....But you didn't. You let your heart be broken by the things that break God's heart; that IS heartbreaking and painful. Lifting you up in prayer every day and begging for an extra measure of grace! Carrie
ReplyDeleteSending prayers. I know these days all to well and we have a long way to go before we even hit pre-teen. I'm thankful to have found mentors like you to help me through along the way. Blessings to you!
ReplyDeleteThis morning as I was meditating on Psalm 77, God again gave me hope for today and for tomorrow, and I wanted to share with you in the hope that God might also give you fresh hope for tomorrow. Psalm 77:19 says "Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters; yet your footprints were unseen." Sometimes when we walk through the waters and through great trials, we can't see God. But even when we can't see him and we don't know why he is calling us (or our children) to walk through whatever trial it is we are facing, we can cling to God's promise to us in Isaiah 41:10, 13. "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” Although you may not be able to see him or understand why he is calling you to go through this, you can know that God is with you and your children. He is your God. He will strengthen you. He will help you. He will up hold you. He is the one who helps you.
ReplyDeleteYou are on my heart, and I am praying for your family.
James 1 for you...Count it all joy...you ARE steadfast and being made perfect in steadfastness...you seek Him for wisdom...you do LOVE the Lord.
ReplyDeleteAll these things I will lift to the Lord in prayer as I go walk this morning. I cannot empathize for I have never walked in your shoes. But I can intercede and know God hears whimpers in the chaos and intercession in the relative calm.
Praying in Castle Rock, CO
Barb H
I have been searching for blogs of large families and all the ones I had seen had perfect children all born to their parents. After reading about how wonderful their children always are I realized that I was searching for the wrong type of family. I needed to find families like mine. We have 9 children, 6 are adopted through the foster care system. I appreciate so much your honesty and openness in your writing. It makes me know that I am not alone in this journey that I have chosen for myself. May God bless your family.
ReplyDeleteWendy in WA