Some will grow out of all of this...and it will be me.

Something will grow out of all of this...and it will be me. I am confident of this. Blogging helps me. It helps me to sort out my feelings, my thoughts, and helps me to see the direction I need to be heading. When I try to wrestle with my thoughts without sorting them out, writing them down and pondering the responses...I remain stuck in the muck. I don't see things as clearly. So thanks. I need you.

And this is what I have learned from my post yesterday which was no doubt a spilling of such mixed emotions...and lots of sadness that I have been feeling lately.

There is so much to learn from the tough times...
God is teaching me so much...
He is softening my heart...
He is opening my eyes...
He is teaching me to love...
more genuinely...more compassionately..more unconditionally...
He is making me more like His son...and I want to be more like Jesus....and I have such
a long way to go.

I need people to meet me where I am at..to love me where I am at...to accept me where I am at...
and don't we all? Don't my struggling children?

Yes, it would be more fun, more comfortable, easier to be around me when the tough times were not hanging over my head. And yet, my friends who rally around me...listen, love, and accept me where I am. They don't just leave me there...they walk with me...in the rain. They don't share easy to share spiritual fixes for the problems going on in my life...they listen and they love. And so does Jesus.

I am learning so much when I look up and not around. When I stop focusing on the problems and start looking up...I am reminded that God is using this suffering to teach me things that will allow me to help my children grow and heal...I will walk with them in the rain...I will not try to fix their problems..but I will listen, I will pray, and I will persevere with them...and we will learn together what it means to live and to love....really love like Jesus does.

I know that I will bounce back...and I appreciate the kindness that has been shown me as I share my struggles honestly with you. I have been treated with patience and love. I have not been made to feel like I should not have such feelings, such doubt, such times of discouragement...and yet sometimes when my kids struggle, that is what I feel towards them. I don't say words like this..but they know. I am learning to be a better mom through the hurt in my own life...and that gives me hope that God does know exactly what he is doing in my life. And my faith grows...

So, I am growing. It has been tough...no doubt..but He is renewing me and reminding me that He has called me to this life...not because He knew I could handle it, but because He could. I must put my children back into His hands and stop trying to do the work I was never intended to do...

God is teaching me in spectacular ways...He is allowing me to experience what it feels like to be accepted and loved fully right where I am...even when it isn't in the best of places...and I will do the same for my children. They need me to love them fully and unconditionally right where they are at in life....and to let go of expectations, and pride, and my own agenda.

I am learning to love more deeply...and I am grateful.