Two weeks after losing his fingertip!
Kaden and Maisy at Breezy point
Elijah one year post transplant!
Jordan trying to avoid getting his picture taken...and eating ice cream..two of his favorite past times!
Life is so complex these days...and our July has been no exception. Still seeing our share of police officers as we deal with impulsive teenage behavior. Still struggling with this new phase of our life. Still trying to wrestle with the complexities of multiple children with FASD and how difficult that is. Still not sure what the answers are to our countless questions...and not even sure if there are any answers to the questions we have.
This year, the word I would use for myself that describes where I am in life right now would be characterized by one word..disillusioned. And that must mean I was living in a state of illusion before. Illusion is not reality...and I had set up camp there. And yet I thought I was preparing myself for this phase of life...but truth is..there is really no preparing yourself. Then I stop and remind myself that we are not the first ones to walk this path...we are not the first parents to be in anguish over the disrespectful, irresponsible, and destructive actions of their children. And yet the grief remains...the ache of a mother's heart does not go unheard by God. And yet, my faith has been stretched to the limits...more than anytime in my life. My hope remains...we will get through us...but we will not be unchanged. These struggles have changed me somewhere deep within and I will never be the same. I guess that is how wisdom is acquired. After these trials, I am guessing I should have some wisdom to spare....
But, in the midst of the trials, I do not want to become absorbed in the muck of the tough stuff. I want to enjoy my children..even the struggling ones. I do not want my little ones to miss out on their little years because their parents were absorbed in the struggles of the older kids. I want to play at the park...swing on the swings...bake together...walk together...snuggle together before this time is over. Only this time around, it's all so bittersweet...because I can not help but feel sad about the struggles that I see ahead for my little ones. I'm no longer the mom I was... believing that if we just pour our hearts into our children, they will follow the path we have for them. And in that statement is an underlying issue...I want our children to think for themselves and yet I want them to think like me. My faith is so important to me. I want them to follow Jesus. I want them to be swept up in His love and I want them to live passionately in the direction that God leads them. And when they don't, I grieve.
So, I want to live like I've never been hurt..you know the saying..dance like no one is watching..yada..yada..but I am hurting and I cant change that. And my hurts are changing me...and I want those hurts to change me for the better. May I be more compassionate, more sensitive, more open, more loving and more committed to what it means to unconditionally love others. I love my children beyond all words can describe...I love my atheist child. I love my angry child. I love my wild child. I love them all despite the disillusionment I feel...and since I'm quoting overused sayings, why not one more...no one ever promised me a rose garden...
And yet, in the midst of the struggle, I do have hope that this is not where the story will end. There are plenty of little triumphs in this war...and we are celebrating those when they come. I am going to get through this..we all are..and we will be able to see the beauty in the rubble that is our life right now...I know it..and I we are holding tight to our faith.
I should be writing about Elijah's one year anniversary of his successful, miraculous bone marrow transplant...but that is it's own precious story...and so that will be my next post.
Our July was busy.
Brennan cut his finger tip off at the base of his nail bed. He cut it on his bike chain and had a two hour surgery to clean it up and repair what was left. He is healing well.
We went up to Breezy Point outside of Brainerd for vacation...I was able to stay a few days and Mark stayed with the older kids for several more days...it was fun, relaxing and we had beautiful weather.
Jordan and I went to visit some of his birth family. Jordan was 5 the last time he saw them and the timing was right for him to see him now (he is 15). There is so much I want to tell you about this meeting but in summary...each time we meet any of our children's birth family, I feel as if our family grows larger and larger. Each time I meet with birth family, I leave humbled. Everyone has a story to tell if we just take the time to listen. Jordan's birth family has a story...one that involves heartache, love, and resilience. I am thankful that we have had the chance to share this child with them...and we look forward to seeing them again.
Maisy is counting down the days until she goes on her Make A Wish trip to Disney world at the end of August. We talk princesses all the time around our house.
Isaac has been having a great month...healthy and happy!