He has FAS. He lives in the moment. He lies. He steals. He runs. He refuses to go to school most of the time. He doesn't think about how his decisions effect others. He has a normal IQ. He makes poor choices...and then he makes the same poor choices over again. He wants to do what is right. His impulsivity is too strong and doesn't allow his heart to guide him. He is a precious child. He is our son.
We are so thankful for the police that are here in our city. They have been understanding and kind and have helped us to try and help Jordan understand the severity of his actions. But, reality tells me, his brain damage tells me, that his behavior is not likely to change anytime soon. And so we wrestle with making the right decisions for our son.
He is disabled...and yet on the outside, he just looks like a troublemaker...a juvenile delinquent. And little we do, or the police we can do, will be able to keep Jordan safe from his own actions..he is a danger to himself. He is so very, very vulnerable. And it is heart breaking.
It is frustrating. It is frightening. It is maddening to go around and around in circles trying to land on the truth..only to be reminded that we must let our desire to fill the gaps...to get to "the truth" fall by the wayside..because we will never have the answers that we seek to find. There will always be gaps in our understanding of where, when, who, and especially why. It is disheartening to know that this is just the start of some really rough times for our son...
And amidst all of the emotion, I feel calm...or is it numb? I am not sure. But, it allows me to not overreact...to hold my tongue..to speak from my heart. I believe that God has graciously given me this sense of calm to allow me to care for this wounded child He has entrusted in our care. And don't get me wrong...I have spent too much time trying to reason with him, lecture him, and even threaten him. And when that didn't work, I threw up my hands in defeat. But defeat, I believe, would mean our love for him would be lessened...and it only deepens. There is no defeat in this war..we are just in a dark battle right now. When I imagine what life feels like inside of this young man's head, I can only feel compassion. We love you Jordan. We will be a soft landing for you. We know that being 16 with FAS is a confusing time..you are scared, you are fighting your limitations, you are angry for the past hurts in your life, you are feeling lost and alone. We will always love you and pray for you.
God is in control. You are no runaway from God. He has you in His sight always..and He will never let you go..ever...
